Kissing The Kids Off

What do you do?

Do you go along to get along or do you run the risk of spoiling a nice lunch by broaching a sensitive subject with a very good friend?

Know the one?

Well, that’s the exact position I found myself in a few weeks ago. I caught up with an old work friend of mine for a bite to eat. Mary is one of those lovely people who you know will be a friend for life. She’s married to a really great guy named Jack and they have one son together named Tom. Jack also has a child from a previous relationship named Edward.

At the time I caught up with Mary, the second estate in one month had just landed on my desk. One of the estates I agreed to do pro-bono because the family involved barely had two zacks to rub together. The estate wasn’t worth much but it had to be cleaned up. Worst of all, the deceased was intestate.

Not surprisingly, it was front of mind when I caught up with Mary and she asked how work was.

Having worked in the industry herself many years ago, I knew she was familiar with intestacy. You never forget those cases because of the ‘messy middle’ – the stuff that has to be sorted because there is no will in place. The stuff that leaves you forever wondering why no will was written.

Not really thinking about it, I asked Mary if she and Jack had a will in place. To my surprise, I got a flat ‘no’.

I couldn’t believe it. I was absolutely stunned given she had dealt with intestate cases herself.

I asked why and Mary reasoned that if she dies before Jack, then he would get everything and then ‘her’ son Tom would get everything when Jack passed away.

I told her that if Jack survives you, her assets would be shared between Tom and her step-son, Edward. She argued that they wouldn’t because Jack would do the right thing by Tom and pass her assets on to him. I was incredulous.

I asked how that would work because he doesn’t have a will and he can’t speak from the grave. She then reasoned the two brothers are very close and would never fight over who owns what. But how would they know who owns what without a will?

By this point I was in a state of disbelief and was wondering if I should just tilt the bat and deflect the comment, or straighten it up and knock it right back. Potentially spoiling the lunch.

The Truth
I told Mary I thought she was selfish because she was avoiding the hard decisions leaving the two boys, full of grief, to sort it out, or worse, fight it out.

I also shared a few other facts with Mary (or more like reminded her!).

•    A few years ago some research was done in the agriculture sector which showed the increasing probability of siblings on family farms splitting or falling-out past age forty. The stats are eye popping and just as common beyond farming families.
•    A high degree of problems with estates emerge because of spouses influencing family members.
•    Grief changes everything and when influenced by other emotions such as jealousy, anger, guilt, etc can make some estates very nasty affairs.

Poor Mary then tried to justify her position by saying she didn’t have any insurance policies either so a will wasn’t worth worrying about. Her body language gave her up and I could tell it was a little fib! So I suggested she should still get a will written so those her survive her know there’s nothing to look for.

So what happened to Mary, a very intelligent woman. Short answer: she was very confronted and completely clouded by emotion. Deep down she knew the truth of the situation but kept avoiding it. Not realising it, she wanted someone else to make the decisions for her.

So I left her with something to think about…

A Universal Law
There is a law in physics which says everything is conserved in time and space. I.e if it’s not dealt with, it just sits there waiting until it is. Put another way, what you run away from you run into. It’s never fails.

That’s why you can’t for ‘get’ until you for ‘give. The idea that you can forgive but not forget is a folly. It just means you haven’t truly forgiven.

I know this may sound a little esoteric but few thigs blow up like an old family feud in an estate, especially one that is intestate.

So if you’re going to kiss the kids off, do it nicely and get your stuff sorted, whatever your stuff is.

Thank you for your time and have a great weekend!

Adam

P.s thank you to Mary and Jack for letting me share their. For the sake of privacy, all names were changed for this Moowsletter.

Back paddock – Re your estate, if you don’t have a will, get one. And once you do, make sure everyone knows who the executor is and where the will is located.

Maybe you could have a beneficiary BBQ and get everyone together to discuss the estate.