Parents Riddled With Guilt

While at Uni I worked in a pub not far from College to help pay my way.

It wasn’t anything fancy, just an old fashioned boozer open to all comers from around Glebe, Redfern – mostly war vets, coppers, journo’s, washed-up and wannabe boxers, plus a few academics searching for an answer to something at the bottom of a schooner glass.

Not long after I started, a bloke started to frequent the pub every Friday night for one beer after work. He was a very likable guy, honest and decent, happy to just sit and sip on his own.

A few months passed and before I knew it he was drinking 15-20 schooners a night, 4-5 nights a week because he didn’t want to go home. I just assumed he was under a lot of pressure with his business.

And then one night the big bloke snapped! He went right off and gave me an absolute mouth-full before getting really aggressive because I refused to serve him anymore. There were no warning signs, he just erupted.

A few days later I found out his three year old daughter had gone blind and somehow he blamed himself. The guilt was eating him alive.

(NB: to his credit, he returned a few weeks later to apologise and we ended-up becoming very good friends. The poor bugger was just really hurting. He cut right back on the drink too).

The Guilt That Binds Us
Over the past month or so, I have witnessed scores of parents riddled with guilt because they haven’t been able to do more for their children, namely give them a leg-up into the property market.

The unspoken law of parenting suggests that the more you can do for your children, the better the parent you are. Therefore it automatically follows that the moment you can’t provide more, you have failed. Mother’s especially feel this.

To further accentuate this pain, parents often compare their worst to other parents best.

Moods also tend to evolve in waves, and I think there is a confluence of factors feeding into this guilt at the moment, namely:

I. The Sydney property market has experienced another long, strong spring and for many the market just seems to be moving faster and further away.
II. At the same time, Christmas feels like it is sprinting towards us which brings up a host of other thoughts and feelings. One of the most common of all to surface around Christmas is…

Gee by now I thought I would be…

Gee By Now
Everyone has a “Gee by now I thought I would be…”. It could be “Gee by now I thought I would be in a better financial position, retired, a grandparent, a better parent, fitter, lighter, more educated, married, divorced, whatever”.

Gee by now’s never leave us. And just as you’ve pushed it to the far recesses of your mind, someone might ask you a question or you will see something that sparks a memory and immediately it surfaces, once again. The thought may only be fleeting, but it’s always there. And as soon as one ‘Gee by now’ is taken care of there will be another one to take its place. They’re omnipresent.

The most important thing about ‘Gee by now…’ is that no one’s is better or worse than the next person. It’s all relative according to your own values.

For example, an academic whose life mission is to solve a complex riddle, only to continually realise how much he or she doesn’t know, would be just as gutted as the parent who can’t conceive. There’s no right or wrong, better or worse. Everyone has their own ‘Gee by now…’. Their own stuff.

Solution
Some will argue that the way you see a problem is the problem. And there may be some truth in that.

Sometimes I find it helps a client to look at things from the opposite direction.

For example, parents were once children as well. So on occasions I ask clients what would be their response if they knew either one of their parents continually worried the same way they worry about their own children? It just helps put a little balance in things.

Here’s two other dichotomies worth pondering at a higher level:

For every couple that wish they could conceive and have a child, there will be another couple who can’t wait for theirs to leave home.

For every parent that wishes they had more money to help their children, there will be another who worries about their children inheriting their money because secretly (or openly) they despise a son or daughter in law, or even one of their own.

All good parents want the best for their children. And there should be no shame in that. After all, wanting more is what got our ancestors out of the caves. But like old mate in the pub, I do think you need to draw a line under your guilt, somewhere.

Remember also, where you draw your line will be just like your ‘Gee by now…’, it will be different to everyone else’s.

You may not be able to give your children everything you want, however, there is a good chance you may have already given them the most important things they need, which money can’t buy.

In the mean time, you might want to give this some thought too; ‘God only gives us the problems we can handle’.

I hope that helps.

Have a great weekend!

Adam

Back paddock – Gratitude turns a meal into a feast.

Source: Bob who manages the hardware shop up the road, the one who looks a lot like Santa. ?